Daycare

My sweet baby I. started daycare when she was 3 months old.

I spent a lot of time feeling bad about that. I spent a lot of time crying about it. I cried so much about it that my husband sat me down and insisted I consider being a stay at home mom, something I've never, ever wanted. It's just not me.

The daycare is wonderful, clean, small. The daycare provider is warm, with-it, and baby I. smiles at her all the time. So it wasn't substandard care I was upset about.

It was just the fact of dropping off my infant daughter for the day while I went off to take care of other people's children. And if I hadn't, in my heart of hearts, been deeply convinced of the importance of education to our lives and our world, I don't think I could have done it.

Truly.

Because I spent three weeks crying all the way from our house to the babysitter's house. I spent three weeks crying from the babysitter's house all the way to the parking lot of my elementary school. I spent three weeks calling the babysitter during my planning time to check on every little thing. I made up reasons to call.

But sometime around this last week, I realized how emotionally taxing it is to cry all morning and then appear bubbly, excited, and enthusiastic to a wild bunch of 7 year olds.

I realized how lucky I am to have a job.
A job that more than pays my rent and bills.
A job that lets me buy whatever I feel like (within reason) off the shelf at the grocery store.
A job that pays a huge chunk of my medical bills so that I am not a scary stress case worried about money every second.
A job that gives my life so much meaning. A job that gives me an outlet for all this love I've got inside of me.
A job that lets me spend my time with little humans who teach me just as much, if not more, than I teach them.

I realized how lucky I am to have such a great place to leave baby I. so I don't have to worry about her all the time while I'm gone. A place where she is fed, held, loved...a place where she is safe and happy. A place where she can develop her social skills and maybe grow up to be outgoing and not shy like her mama.

And I know it's only Monday, but I didn't cry this morning. 

Progress.
baby steps.